The Dub Demon's Disturbing Adventures
by Ryuko-chan
Summary: A look inside the TV: What's really behind all those bad American Dubs? Would you believe little pink fuzzy demons? Well, you'd better!


MUHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is the product of not much sleep, due to the fact that I woke up real early to watch Cardcaptors. I then realized how evil the WB is. And Cartoon Network for that matter. I decided that the best thing to do was to get back at them with this fic... NO stealing it, or I will sic the demons of American Dubs on your favorite anime show.. Just so long as I don't like it.  
  
The Terribly Disturbing Adventures of the Dub Demons  
  
The scene opens as we see Ryuko at her house, munching on popcorn and channel surfing.. She turns and waves.  
  
Ryuko: Hi everyone! It's so nice to see you here at my home.. I'm watchin TV, and isn't my life ever so exciting.  
  
She turns back to the TV, and flips channels, pausing briefly at Cartoon Network..  
  
TV: Next.. Sailor Moon. (Ryuko groans..)  
  
Ryuko: I've heard about how much they butchered this show..  
  
TV: Sailor Moon.. (irritating theme music plays.. Clips from the show play, Title flashes, and show starts)  
  
Serena: Hi AMARA! How have you and your COUSIN MICHELLE been doing?  
  
Ryuko: AUGH! It leaves a bad taste in my mouth.. Cousin. That's like sacrilege! And Amara, and Michelle! FEH!! I can't even watch this show anymore.. (flips channel)  
  
TV: And next on Kids WB, is Cardcaptors.. Expect the unexpected now!  
  
Ryuko: RRRG.. That's right.. That was unexpected.  
  
TV: CARDCAPTORS! A mystic adventure! CARDCAPTORS! A quest for all time!!  
  
Ryuko: (Sweatdrops) Urg.. Uh.. Gak.. Dying. choked by bad dub song. (finally, the song is over.. Unfortunately, that means the show starts..)  
  
Sakura: MADISON! What are you talking about?  
  
(urg) Madison: I don't know, maybe you could ask TORI or JULIAN.  
  
Ryuko: MAN! Can't they ever leave one show good? For us who don't have satellite TV, anyway.. I'd be better off watching the TV guide channel.. (flips to TV guide channel)  
  
TV: Now, on the tv guide channel.  
  
Reporter: We're here at the gala premiere of our new channel! Channel 17, the anime channel! All anime, all the time! Up next, Slayers! (Ryuko sits straight up)  
  
Ryuko: Did you hear that? An anime cable channel! That is so cool! You know I'm watching that. (flips to channel 17, as suspenseful music plays.. Looks a little irked) Oh, come on, what bad could happen?  
  
TV: Where monsters are bad, I'm there to stop them! Where treasure glitters, I'm there to give it back to its rightful owners, Where an enemy rises to face me, I'll teach them the error of their ways!  
  
Ryuko: (sweatdrops) NAN DAAAAA??  
  
TV: (to the tune of Get Along) Her name is Linda Inverse, She fights for right and good, and she never ever gives up..  
  
Ryuko: (retches) What the hell kind of crap is this?  
  
TV: She's a nice person, He's a nice person, They're cousins..  
  
Ryuko: COUSINS!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?  
  
TV: And they are the Slayers, Get along, help again! (theme song ends, and the show begins,)  
  
Lina: Hi everyone, I'm Linda Inverse, crusader of good. Me and my favorite cousin, Garry, have been chasing after this guy named Randy, the Red Priest, with a guy named Mel Gadis. Well, before you know it, a monster pops out of this guy. After a long battle, we helped him figure out the error of his ways, and he peacefully went off. Soon after, we met up with a princess named Amanda. Then, we met back up with Mel! It turns out that he and Amanda are cousins, too!  
  
Ryuko: (busily rigging up a noose and chair) Goodbye world.. This is utter horror. I had never seen true horror before I saw this. God will welcome me with open arms..  
  
TV: And then, we met up with our other Cousin, Stephanie! It's such a happy family reunion! Anyway, now we're battling the cousin of Randy the red priest, Kevin Randy! He and his other cousin, Mary, have been very bad people, they destroyed Stephanie's town, and sent her father to a faraway place so that he can't visit her! So now, we have to show him the error of his ways, too.. Oh, what crazy misadventures will we get into on the way?  
  
Ryuko: (tightening the noose around her neck) That's all I can take.  
  
TV: And next, Revolutionary Girl Ursula! Followed by Ralph ½!  
  
Ryuko: Goodbye cruel world.  
  
TV: (to the tune of Rinbu-Revolution) Cousin Annie, you and chu chu, we're all together,  
  
Ryuko: Oh dear lord.. (readies gun so she can shoot herself in the head, right when she kicks over the chair)  
  
TV: (vaguely flickers) We can fight the mean Saionji and nairu demo. Take my revolution!  
  
Ryuko: (blinks) What? (unhooks self from noose, drops gun on floor, not heeding any danger. Winks.) It wasn't loaded. (jumps off chair, and walks over to Tv, holding face close.)  
  
TV: Hikari sa And we'll fight with the sword that you keep near your heart, and cousin Tommy will help me comb my hair, Take my revolution!.. Ichtayiou koru!  
  
Ryuko: (hits TV) Oh my god! I know what this is!!! (As she jostles her set, a bunch of cutey little demons run out, holding minuscule pitchforks with corks on the ends..) AH HAH!!! Dub Demons! (The demons are pink and fuzzy and read "DiC", "Bandai", "Pioneer" and "Cloverway" Ryuko pokes them) Hey, why are you in my TV?  
  
Dub Demon Cloverway: (in an incredibly squeaky voice) We wanted to protect you and all other American children from seeing bad things on TV, but we knew you liked the pretty pictures, so we made this channel! We neutralized everything which may be harmful to children and humans of any age, Including, but not limited to: Homosexual relationships, Any relationship, confusing names, plot twists, main characters with opposing natures, deaths, and a hard-and-or-easy-to-follow plot!  
  
Ryuko: Hard and or easy?  
  
Dub Demon DiC: YES! We want our children to grow up in a world where nothing goes wrong.. EVER! That way, we can all be mindless zombies, who are always happy! Someday all anime will be like this, and Pokemon!  
  
Ryuko: (picks up Dub Demon DiC by the scruff of the neck) You are a disgrace.  
  
Dub Demon DiC: No! You've already been tainted!  
  
Ryuko: (turns to Dub Demon Pioneer) Why are you here? You're perhaps the best out of them all!  
  
Dub Demon Pioneer: (shrugs) I just thought there might be free food. I was in charge of covering up all nudity. I don't have the same beliefs as them.  
  
Dub Demon Bandai: I don't know why I'm here, I'm older than all of you! I suppose I was in charge of neutralizing all male/male relationships, along with her. (jerks finger at an incredibly cute, emerging Demon, marked, "4Kids")  
  
Dub Demon 4Kids: Hi!  
  
Ryuko: You! Get outta here!!  
  
Dub Demon 4Kids: NO! You are too young to watch things like this! We're going back into the TV!  
  
Ryuko: (Reaching for the Dub Demons as they twist out of her grasp and glide back into the TV) No! Get back here, you stupid creatures!  
  
TV: (flickers on with a quickly crayoned title page) Ra-al-ph.  
  
TV: Hi, I'm Ralph Saotome. I visited a mildly annoying spring and there I found my cousin Ronda! She looks just like me! I also acquired a panda, which my father is incredibly afraid of. He runs whenever it comes up! Then, my dad told me that we had to visit my uncle Ken in New York City. There I met some more relatives, Annie, Kelly, and Natalie!  
  
Ryuko: (grasps ears in pain) No! Make it stop, make it stop!!!  
  
TV: Sorry, We can't do that.. This is for your own good, enjoy!  
  
Ryuko: (Thinking) Well, if I can't plead them out, then I'll. beg them out! No. wait.. That's the same thing. Um. Well, I guess I'll have to think.  
  
(Time passes.. But not too much.. The tripey sickness of Ralph ½ ends and the lovely movie Y/1999, Day of bad dreams, begins, just as a dim lightbulb snaps on above Ryuko's head)  
  
Ryuko: (points at bulb) 60 watts! Not even hardly dim! (snaps it off as she stands) Hmm.. If the Dub Demons are unaffected by all of the weird plots of television shows. There should be one thing they are affected by. (runs away)  
  
(Returns from a trip to her computer, a sheaf of papers in hand)  
  
Ryuko: (clears her throat) Ahem! "Fuma slipped a rough hand around his sister's throat. 'Oh, my dear, I won't hurt you.' he said, skilkily as her unbottuned his school uniform."  
  
Dub Demon 4kids: (leaps out of the TV, covering her ears) ACK! Badly written incestuous lemon! Nooo.  
  
TV: (the other Demons quickly switch tactics) Hold on to the dream. Tomorrow knows, that we're secret cousins..  
  
Ryuko: (grins, grabbing the demon by the corked tail) Oh, I see, cousins again. They're truly running out of ideas. (flips to another piece of paper) "Umi grinnyd sharply, 'Oh, so you're another Magic Knight, I see! Well, you can't match the magical prowess of me! And you're not stealing my boyfriend Clef whom I love!' Yoko Smith stuck her tongue out at Umi, and brandished her sword, 'Well, whatever, because there's like, a horrible magical thingy eating away at Cefiro n'stuff.' Ferio watched her with growing interest, she was much more forceful and sexy than Fuu!"  
  
(Dub Demons Pioneer and DiC tumble from the TV)  
  
Dub Demon DiC: Not a badly characterized self insertion fic!  
  
Dub Demon Pioneer: I'm out of here, this is a travesty of my profession. (puts on a hat and jacket and leaves)  
  
Ryuko: Bye bye! (waves) And as for you! (grabs DiC by the tail and hangs both of the Demons on a hook from the ceiling.)  
  
TV: Uh.. Um. And next, comes Pokemon, the oatmeal of oatmeal animes!  
  
Ryuko: (boredly flips to another piece of paper) "Abruptly, Ash noticed that not only was his Pikachu a male, he was hung!"  
  
Dub Demon Bandai: (leaps from TV) I'm abandoning this job.. It's not worth it.. Ugh.. Bestiality and yaoi.. Who writes this stuff?  
  
TV: (Dub Demon Cloverway) I'm still here! And I've got the final torture for you! I. It's really bad!  
  
Ryuko: Whatever.  
  
TV: And now. The final season of Sailor Moon! Sailor Moon: Sailor Stars!  
  
Ryuko: WHAT? They couldn't cut that up, there'd be nothing left!  
  
TV: Oh, by the way, did you see those three cute guys.. I love them! (suddenly, it switches to an abysmally crayoned animation of Makoto, Minako, and Rei marrying the three Sailor Stars in guy form, and Ami and Usagi marrying The arcade guy and Mamoru respectively)  
  
Ryuko: (Eyes wide, she fumbles with the papers for a moment, finally finding one) Ah.. Uh.. "Running his hands over the silky flesh, Mamoru let his member find its way into Zoicite's mouth.."  
  
TV: Not gonna work..  
  
Ryuko: Damn. Extreme tolerance for sex for some reason.  
  
TV: I've been training online!  
  
Ryuko: DAMN! (Rifles some more) Uh. "Despite the fact that Rini was just a child, Pegasus felt himself drawn towards her.. Not as a man, but as an animal."  
  
TV: (sings) Sorry, training!  
  
Ryuko: Uh.. Oh, crap. (Rifles through the final part of the huge stack, and then lights up at the last fic there) A HA! I knew I would someday have to pull out the big guns! AHEM! "And so began the Sailor Senshi and Ro Maclachlan's trip to hell.. The devil was angry and smashed them in the face, but then Ro pulled out a large sized penis shaped waffle iron, and smashes his head flat. Afterwards, she and Artemis enjoyed the romantic devil-brain stew, and then made out by the light of illuminescent slugs which happened to live in the area."  
  
TV: (seizure inducing flashes come from the TV, followed by shrieking sounds and squeaks. Finally, Cloverway tumbles from the TV, moaning)  
  
Dub Demon Cloverway: No! Not only is it a self-insertion, it's got bestiality, lemon, and it makes no sense! It strives to be irreverent, but then just makes my brain hurt.. The only thing it was missing was homosexuality!  
  
Ryuko: (reading) "And as Artemis finally penetrated Ro's plushy exterior, just a few feet away a somewhat similar thing was happening with Haruka and Michiru, and Kunzite and Mamoru."  
  
Dub Demon Cloverway: Well. Uh.. At least there was no orgy action.  
  
Ryuko: (reading again) "But, seeing as they were all doing the same thing, they decided to join together, and did so, each giving some form of kinky lesbo-bestial-homo sex to each other."  
  
Dub Demon Cloverway: ACK! THAT FIC IS THE ANTICHRIST!  
  
Ryuko: Well, that's what you get. Come, you three. (grabs them all by the tail, holding them in a bunch.) I'll have to teach you three a lesson. (carries them to a closet)  
  
Dub Demon 4kids: Oh, come now! A closet? (grins sarcastically) Oh, I am so scared of the closet.. Maybe, god forbid, there's a monster in it!  
  
Ryuko: Not quite. Eduardo?  
  
Eduardo the Gnome: (reading a lemon, which the readers can smell from a far distance) Hm?  
  
Ryuko: Show these three a good time.  
  
Eduardo: With pleasure.  
  
Ryuko: (Throws the demons into the closet, and slams the door. As she walks away, various tearing sounds and shrieking is heard in the background.)  
  
Random background voice: No, not Sanosuke and Kenshin! AHHHH! Yahiko and Sanosuke! NOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Ryuko: (Walks into living room, and sits on the couch, smoking a bubble pipe and opening an issue of Oh My Goddess.) So, anyway, folks, if you ever see a Dub Demon in your home, please. Call the nearest authority, or read some kinky fanfiction. We need to strike first, people! (slams fist down, then holds up manga, beginning to read. Pauses, looks up..) Well, what are you in my house for? Get out of here!  
  
(Run away)  
  
THE END  
  
Author's note: BWAHAHAH! Nuff said. 


End file.
